Pessimistic? Optimistic? Realistic?

I admire or maybe even envy those who are eternal optimists...or maybe not.  Optimism isn't my thing.   My guess is that most people would categorize me as pessimisitc....you know, glass half empty blah blah blah.   Yes, I have all the signs of pessimism written all over me.....gray hair, wrinkles, irritibility etc.   I am more pessimisitc than optimistic for sure but I prefer to call it something else....realistic.

 For me there is no need to pretend something is what it isn't for the sake of feeling better.  Because it's only temporary.....like the sugar high from a white chocolate mocha.   You see, I have a fear of disappoinment.   That slide from one prediction to a disappointing ending is very unsettling to me....somewhat like stepping in dog shit on your way to church.  I hate it and I don't handle it well so why put myself in a postition to be disappointed?  I don't understand it.  Kind of reminds me  of being politically correct....really?  What's the point?  

Reaslism to me is acceptance.   I have accepted the fact that my daughter doesn't have a brain.   I have accepted that.....I just don't like it.   I'm not being negative about her future, I'm being honest....I'm being real.  You can't count on miracles, just like you can't count on the lottery when broke.  I know what raising a special needs child entails. She will be with us for as long as she lives.  I know what it means for my other kids....sacrifices they shouldn't have to make.  I know what it means for our finances....most families go bankrupt.  I know what it means for our marriage....most end in divorce.  I know what it means for my faith.....what little I have left.  But most importantly, I know what it means for Leah.

There was little boy in the NICU next to Leah who had been there since July and was still there when we left in November and I kept thinking why keep putting this little boy through this.  He was on a vent and had been since birth.   His mother said to me, "I don't care what obstacles he will have the rest of his life, he is alive and I can't deal with letting him go." He will be alive but he will never live.  It isn't about being alive, it's about living.

 Im real because it's real.  I get it that the mother who has lost her child thinks I'm selfish in my thoughts because I still have mine. I get it that people think I am going about this in the wrong way instead of praising God and trusting in his 'plan'.....I'm not into plans.  There are times in your life when you are forced to revisit long standing beliefs or ideals that you've never really had to think about.... really seriously think about.  

We love our little girl and it's about what's real and always what's best for her.