Fidelity to the Model

As I update today, I am one day shy of 6 mo since Oct 18th, 2010 and I am still grieving.  I am grieving  about our situation. I call it a situation because that's what I feel like I am in. Like a puzzle to solve or a hole to climb out of.   This is no longer my life, it's my situation.  Its like a hypothetical question you have to answer and there is no an good answer yet its reality.

 I have realized that too many times in the past, in all my wisdom or ignorance I had decided when someone else needs to get over their own situation.   You know the conversations about the mother who doesn't seem to be coping with her child's death, the husband who can't accept his wife's cancer diagnosis, the spouse who can't deal with being alone.  

I had a conversation a while back with someone that said I just needed to let go of my heartache over Leah's life and move on as if she was normal.   Normal?   Normal?   You want me to act like this is normal?   Normal is seeing her smile for the first time, or seeing her reach for a toy, or experiencing the joyous sound of a coo.   She has yet to smile, she has yet to play, she has yet to coo and her beautiful blue eyes melt my heart.

The definition of grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind.  There is a grieving process.  It's supposed to go like this:  denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.   On any given day, I am one of those.  I have been all of those.   I want to be none of those.  

I often wonder if there is a lesson in all of this that I am supposed to be grasping on to?  Maybe I didn't appreciate the milestones my others kids have reached.....maybe I didn't appreciate them enough simply for who they were....maybe I have worried too much about things that don't matter.  You see with Leah, I'll never have to worry about what birthday parties she gets invited too, how often she sits on the bench, how may friends she has, how many awards she gets in school, or wiping her tears from a broken heart.   She will never go to birthday parties, she will never have friends, she will never play sports, she will never go to school, she will never fall in love.

Yes I am grieving.  Yes I am angry.  Yes I am mourning her life and ours.  No I don't care when you think I should get over it.  If the model is correct, I have another 6 mo.

Did you appreciate your life today?