Having established that I am a worry wort and borderline if not full blown psychotic, I find myself trying desperately to have a vision of the bigger picture. Not a vision of this moment, this situation, this day or even this year but the whole darn thing.
If I were to draw the big picture of the rest of my life, I don't even know what kind of colors I would use or what exactly it is I would draw. I started thinking about my aura and what colors my aura would give off. HA HA HA It's stated that your aura is surpressed by stress, anxiety, fear or any other negative thought. Yea, you can imagine what my picture would look like.
When I look into the future, what I hope for and what I feel at this time aren't even in the realm of alike. It's different and the lesson I am trying to teach myself is that different is ok. I had a conversation with an awesome person at lunch today and what she said nearly brought tears to my eyes. Now, sobbing in Subway over my footlong ham on Italian bread is not cool. I wanted so bad to shed a little tear because a light bulb had gone off in my head and let's face it, that's rare.
She said something like this: What I love about all of us is that we all have some element of different. We all have our quirkiness.
Why wouldn't we want to be quirky? Quirky is distinguishable. Quirky is daring. Some of us are late, some of us are clumsy, some of us are goofy, some of us are clueless, some of us are daydreamers, some of us are outspoken, some of us have goofy hair, goofy clothes, and goofy jokes. Some of us are well different. I not only want to recognize someone's quirky, I want to appreciate it. I want to make them feel like their quirkiness is as normal as the smile on their face...Different? Absolutely Ok? You bet
My Taylor wears mismatched clothes and socks and doesn't care one bit....I LOVE that about her. My Logan is a space cadet but would jump right up to help someone....I LOVE that about him. My Leah is teaching me lessons I never wanted to learn......I LOVE that about her.
My life is different than a year ago.....but it's ok. My future is different than a year ago.....but it's ok. My picture will be quirky and beautiful and I'm going to paint it with fun vibrant hopeful colors!
What's your quirky?
This is a story. A story about a little girl. A little girl named Leah.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Releasing the Hippos
Often times I find myself holding my breath....my shoulders tightened jaw clenched. I literally have to remind myself to take a deep breath, exhale, and relax. Let it go. Impossible for me to do for any healthy length of time. If I am not worrying about something, it isn't a normal day.
Isn't it a mothers job to worry? Well maybe I just tell myself that to seem normal although Im not sure what normal is anymore except that I know it's not me. I am weird. I admit it. I AM WEIRD!
I worry about odd things. There is the strange unlikely events like the hippopotamus exhibit at the zoo. I have this terrible fear of one of my kids falling into the hippopotamus pit at the zoo. I mean really, who worries about that? ME....when someone merely mentions the zoo, anxiety in the pit of my stomach arises and visions of jumping into the hippo pool to save my child cripple me....I can play it out from beginning to end. Horrifying....Weird.
Another odd fear of mine is being squished by a huge enormous object like a dump truck or an airplane. I can't tell you the nightmares I have had about this and really, I would have a better chance of landing a triple axle on ice skates. Weird.
Yes, I am weird, probably even bizarre at times. I have jumped to conclusions, made assumptions, and ruined friendships over my bizarre behavior but I have to say, it was all constructed with good intentions that ended with bad results. I have been suffocating in saddness. I have been suffocating in bitterness. I am suffocating in worry.
Worry is a constant in my life and probably every one else's life too. It's what we, as compassionate human beings do. We worry about things we can't control, things we can, things that haven't happened, and things that happened years ago.
I worry about my kids, their friends, their grades, their activities. I worry about my relationships....I don't do intimate friendships well and really really want to. I worry about paying bills, and sending my kids to college, keeping my house. I worry about the concrete that's broken in our driveway, the trampoline that is torn, the pool that needs cleaned. I worry about my marriage and my faith. It's something constantly. We, all of us, have a lot to take care of.....a lot to worry about. But worrying about things you can't control is a challenge to overcome. What it is, is insane.
I worried about starting this because I would eventually like my exercise plans, stop doing it.....let's see here, it has been three weeks since I have blogged. Damn. I worried what people would think of my thoughts...all honest and not completely shared because there again, I worry. But have shared more than I have ever thought I could. I needed to find a way to exhale. I needed to find a way to believe that although my life is weird, it is ok. This blog is my exhale. It's my relief. It's how I can leave my worries behind so I can face tomorrow. You see, I have some very important things to do tomorrow.
I am going to play pat-a-cake with Leah even if she can't clap. I am going to teach her This Little Piggy even if she can't giggle. I am going to put her in the pool even if she can't swim. I am going to read her a book even if she can't understand it. We are going to sit outside and listen to the birds even if she cant hear them. I am going to take her to the ball game even if she can't cheer. I am going to kiss her wether she can feel it or not. I am going to love her to pieces even if she doesn't know it. I am not only going to love her for the rest of her life....I'm going to love her for the rest of mine.
For tomorrow, I am going to lay the fears and worries aside in a box, cover them in tissue paper and store them away under the bed to be retrieved another day.
Today, I am releasing the hippos.......I am exhaling......I am healing.
Isn't it a mothers job to worry? Well maybe I just tell myself that to seem normal although Im not sure what normal is anymore except that I know it's not me. I am weird. I admit it. I AM WEIRD!
I worry about odd things. There is the strange unlikely events like the hippopotamus exhibit at the zoo. I have this terrible fear of one of my kids falling into the hippopotamus pit at the zoo. I mean really, who worries about that? ME....when someone merely mentions the zoo, anxiety in the pit of my stomach arises and visions of jumping into the hippo pool to save my child cripple me....I can play it out from beginning to end. Horrifying....Weird.
Another odd fear of mine is being squished by a huge enormous object like a dump truck or an airplane. I can't tell you the nightmares I have had about this and really, I would have a better chance of landing a triple axle on ice skates. Weird.
Yes, I am weird, probably even bizarre at times. I have jumped to conclusions, made assumptions, and ruined friendships over my bizarre behavior but I have to say, it was all constructed with good intentions that ended with bad results. I have been suffocating in saddness. I have been suffocating in bitterness. I am suffocating in worry.
Worry is a constant in my life and probably every one else's life too. It's what we, as compassionate human beings do. We worry about things we can't control, things we can, things that haven't happened, and things that happened years ago.
I worry about my kids, their friends, their grades, their activities. I worry about my relationships....I don't do intimate friendships well and really really want to. I worry about paying bills, and sending my kids to college, keeping my house. I worry about the concrete that's broken in our driveway, the trampoline that is torn, the pool that needs cleaned. I worry about my marriage and my faith. It's something constantly. We, all of us, have a lot to take care of.....a lot to worry about. But worrying about things you can't control is a challenge to overcome. What it is, is insane.
I worried about starting this because I would eventually like my exercise plans, stop doing it.....let's see here, it has been three weeks since I have blogged. Damn. I worried what people would think of my thoughts...all honest and not completely shared because there again, I worry. But have shared more than I have ever thought I could. I needed to find a way to exhale. I needed to find a way to believe that although my life is weird, it is ok. This blog is my exhale. It's my relief. It's how I can leave my worries behind so I can face tomorrow. You see, I have some very important things to do tomorrow.
I am going to play pat-a-cake with Leah even if she can't clap. I am going to teach her This Little Piggy even if she can't giggle. I am going to put her in the pool even if she can't swim. I am going to read her a book even if she can't understand it. We are going to sit outside and listen to the birds even if she cant hear them. I am going to take her to the ball game even if she can't cheer. I am going to kiss her wether she can feel it or not. I am going to love her to pieces even if she doesn't know it. I am not only going to love her for the rest of her life....I'm going to love her for the rest of mine.
For tomorrow, I am going to lay the fears and worries aside in a box, cover them in tissue paper and store them away under the bed to be retrieved another day.
Today, I am releasing the hippos.......I am exhaling......I am healing.
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