Got mail?

I love to get my mail.   It's seems to be the highlight of my day.   Yeah, I know, it's pretty pathetic.   I can't wait to get home and make the 22 step jaunt to my mail box to see what is in that little black box. 

Today was no different except for the white envelope that I had completely forgotten was coming.  One of those surprise mailings that totally sinks your day but this time it wasn't an unexpected bill or property taxes.  It was the envelope containing Leah's medical records.   My heart sunk because I knew on this beautiful day, that hadn't so far produced any tears, I would have to open it up and read it.  I can't for the life of me put gratification off.  Instant gratification is a necessity for me even it means I have to gnaw on my big toe for while or throw myself into an emotional washer on high agitate cycle.   Front to back....cover to cover.....word by word I read it and I sobbed.

It wasn't anything new, just reality slapping me in the face and it hurt.  And I read it again and again hoping I had missed somewhere in there where it said what caused this.   I hadn't.  You see, I tend to believe that if there was a reason, or something to blame it on, that somehow, I could accept what has happened.  That if there was something I could point to, I would automatically from this day forward, love my life. I didn't.

I remember laying in my hospital bed before the c-section, and the doctor was telling me what they had suspected happened.  Probably a virus, a stroke,  or a result of cocaine use.   I believe with the mention of cocaine use, I choked, and started laughing because he was dead serious.  He looked at me like I was the drug whore of Cheney.  Just for the record, I assure you, it wasn't cocaine use that caused this....I wouldn't even know where to buy cocaine if for some reason I really felt the need to go there but I don't.

They knew at this point that there was a feto-maternal hemorrhage which means Leah and I had a blood exchange and she was very anemic which means she wasn't getting adequate oxygen levels in her blood traveling to her brain or throughout her body.  Your kidneys, heart, liver etc can operate at a decreased level without long term damage.....the brain cannot.   After 3 min without oxygen, your brain cells begin to die and they don't regenerate like kidney or liver cells.  I was tested for a gammate of viruses and all were negative.   I'm sure they also tested me for drug use but apparently that was negative too because I was never escorted out of the hospital to the local jail either.

To this day, we have no idea what happened.   It is very unsettling to me because I want to know.  Was it the fact that I was 37 yrs old.....was it the fact that I had taken ibuprofen instead of Tylenol (at the knowledge of my dr), was it that I ate a piece of sashimi tuna before I realized I wasn't supposed to do that?   Was there something I could have done different...should I have, because of my age, insisted on more sonograms?   I don't know.  I want to know.  I want to go back to July when our sonogram showed a healthy thriving little girl and do it differently....something....everything. I want a reason.

I know I will never know.  I know I will never stop wondering.  I don't know if it was my fault or not, but I do know it wasn't anyone else's.  I've always said, I do know one thing.... I don't know enough.