Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Two Years and Counting

I sit here today having no idea what possessed me to open up this blog, now untouched for 1 year 2 mo &  12 days.   It could be a number of things I suppose and maybe it really doesn’t matter.  What I do know is that I think about writing in it often.
A Little Leah Girl turns two this week…..October 18th to be exact.  Two years old.  I look back at these two years and it seems at times I have no recollection of having done any of it.  And yet it’s been the longest and hardest two years of my life. 
I don’t know what strength is.   Am I strong because two years ago my daughter was born without a brain and we take care of her?   Am I strong because two years ago, my life was put on a different track headed to who knows where with a stop at Grievers Crossing every other day?  Am I strong because now instead of crying every day, I only cry once a week?  What is strength?  I want to know, because I feel like the weakest person I know.  I am the weakest person I know.
I don’t know what being strong is.  I just know, it’s not me.  I don’t know how to be strong.  I am a mother whose heart was broken two years ago into a million tiny little pieces that cannot be put back together and I have let it define me.  That is not strength.  
I remember a year ago this being an extremely emotional week getting ready to celebrate her first birthday.   I remember hoping a year ago that the second year would be so much better.  I remember New Years Eve setting a resolution or a theme if you will for 2012:   Stress Free ~ Worry Free ~ Happy.  Life is too short to be anything but happy right?  To do anything but celebrate each day?  To do anything be thank God for each and every blessing….even a fractured one….right?   I guess that’s not how I work.
That’s what I wanted to be this year.  I wanted to be happy.   I wanted to be a mom who even though her daughter doesn’t have a brain, could pick her up, squeeze her tight and love her unconditionally.  I wanted to be a mom who could talk about her little girl without bursting into tears.   I wanted to be a mom who could plan her daughters second birthday with gratitude that I had one more year with her.    I wanted that.  I wanted to be that person.  I wanted to be that mom that sent out invitations with a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye but instead I am dreading a birthday party for her.  I am tearfully dreading it.  I should want to celebrate her life no matter how fractured it is. That’s what strong women do.   I should want to thank god for letting me have had another year with her.  That’s what strong women do. I should want to celebrate her second birthday as if it’s her last.  That’s what strong women do.  I should want to.   So why don’t I?

2 comments:

  1. You are stronger than you think you are! You have never given up on her and that's strong enough! You take care of her needs and that's strength in my eyes! God Bless You and Leah! :-)

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  2. I read an email a couple of weeks ago and it was about a little boy with a bad heart that was going to die...the doctor was so fustrated with God that he would let someone be born just to die, but the little boy knew he was one of God's children and his purpose here on this earth was almost done......to touch the doctor's life and for him to believe in God. Sometimes Gods plans are bigger than our understanding. YOU ARE STRONG AND CAPABLE!!!! everyone is amazed at how strong you are...you are loved

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